17/10/2014

i want to pierce my brain with a sharpened razor, smooth to the touch, cool on my skin. then, carefully, i’ll tilt my heavy head and watch nervously as the black drips slowly, delicately out of my mind. and then it’ll be clear, the thick black pooling deep around my ankles but escapable by one easy step. i’ll wait a minute, make sure there’s none left inside, then i’ll swim out, leaving the black behind.

my mind will be cleansed, fresh and young and clean again. i’ll look down at my frail hands and thank my bones for all the wonderful things they have done, they will do. i’ll press my fleshy belly softly, marvelling at the comforting squish of cells that protect my insides, protect me from death. i’ll smile wide, my white teeth joyfully reflecting the radiating sunshine, my eyes closed and calm, my hair long and flowing, not broken and balding.

the world will be a new place. i will be free, unburdened now by the black that made me fear my surrounds and loath myself. i will explore, run and travel and experience. the flamboyant verbs of a dictionary’s pages i’d always cowered from will lead me to new and better things, to wonderful people and daunting places and beautiful, decadent foods. the cures to over-stayed self-deprivation.

and it’ll be scary. and i’ll love it.

14/10/2014

i really don’t have much of a future with this blogging thing.

i mean for one, i’m not interesting and my life mainly consists of the everyday kind of activities that every partakes in anyway. then there’s the laziness factor; although i wouldn’t consider myself genuinely lazy, i tend to prioritise other things (reading, eating, studying) over writing. which is a shame i think, because typing out these meaningless rambles tends to be really enjoyable for me.

actually i logged on today for a quick mid-exams update (even though i know i said yesterday i’d sit down and contemplate life over the internet) as i’m really not feeling interesting today. at all. yesterday i felt inspired, energised and vivid in my approach to my tests and leaving school and everything. i even had the testing impulse to declare i might be ‘getting better’, whatever that means anyway. clearly that didn’t last long.

the exam today? it was okay. but my mood, oh sweet lord, no. not good at all. so much so i don’t even know why i’m typing write now when i know i’ll read it back later and want to hit myself for writing such a self-indulgent, angsty post. whatever, maybe if i’m really meant to continue this blog i’ll find the time for making up for this later.

another big “we’ll see” to add to the list.

13/10/2014

well well well, day one of the big exams is over with and (incredibly surprisingly) i’m feel fairly good.

to contextualise: the last time i had important exams resulted in a near breakdown, tears every night and a close call with the admission services of the adolescent psych ward at st. vincent’s. but somehow, now that i’ve finally reached the three weeks of high school exam mecca, this weird kind of calm has overwhelmed me and the anxiety that normally surrounds this kind of thing – will i go okay? will i write as much as i want? will this get me into uni? – seems almost non-apparent.

it’s a beautiful thing really. for the first time (probably in my life), i haven’t been pulling out my hair over three-hour sections of incessant writing that to others means next to nothing. i admit, a large part of my lack of stress is down to already being accepted into my first preference course at uni. but something else, something that i can’t really put my finger on, has added to my carefree attitude which, fingers crossed, will last for my last month at school, ever.

maybe i’m getting better?

it’s not completely out of the question. what with the meds and support and all the appointments, and my taking part in things for fun, rather than just necessity… all of that must have accumulated to something. there’s a missing link though, and for me that tiny piece of this entire puzzle is the most important of all. because something, still, just doesn’t feel right.

maybe i’ll indulge that train of thought later when my brain has finished buzzing from having written multiple pages of english analysis, and when i secretly want to jump in the shower before i can watch some mindless television before tea time. dinner tonight is my favourite baked fish and i’m actually excited! here that? maybe this girl’s getting her hunger back. am i worried by that? am i happy? another thought for a rainy day.

then again, it is raining outside right now. but that means it’ll probably be pissing it down tomorrow still, so maybe i’ll occupy myself with a bit more of this typing stuff tomorrow afternoon.

tomorrow, hmm. seems i’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. good thing? bad thing? hmm, i’ll figure it out tomorrow… ☺

12/10/2014

if you start a blog telling everyone you’re just going to write a few things and innocently follow a few people, you’re lying. reality is you want to complain and reminisce and write poetry and read curious things and indulge all of the most wankery, pretentious urges you’ve had to start writing your autobiography even though you’re yet to complete even half of your physical existence.

yeah it’s true, i wanted to start a blog so i could write about my life and everything that happens to me within my humble little world. i have this overwhelming desire to learn new things and meet new people and use words that i didn’t understand a few months ago. it’s a completely narcissistic thing, i know. but that’s not to say journalling online can’t have a someone therapeutic, slightly healing effect, right?

don’t get me wrong, i know these entries won’t reach anyone much further than a few of my friends and maybe my mum. but that’s not really the point, for me at least. i just want to record what happens to me and i am way too lazy to write diaries because i hate the self-expressive, pompous kind of tone that comes when you start writing your thoughts down, pen on paper. somehow sharing ideas over the net, or at least in a typed format, seems a lot less dick-like for me. there’s no logical difference, but hey, i’m running with it!

so, that’s it for now i guess.

i’m starting this story (yeah, i think it’s a story, not a blog just yet) because i actually think my life means something. and i don’t know what it is yet, but i intend on figuring it out sometime soon. i’m approaching a bit of a crossroads right now, and although some (my mum) would probably say i could be spending my time much more efficiently studying or reading or preparing for the future, i figure a little introspective contemplation can’t hurt. might not make things any better, but surely it can’t make them much worse.

tomorrow i’ll start it all (not from the start, that would get way to boring for me) and try to explain where i’m at. tomorrow the ostentatious entries begin (for real, this doesn’t count) and tomorrow i’ll see if all of this writing stuff really is for me. tomorrow!