i want to pierce my brain with a sharpened razor, smooth to the touch, cool on my skin. then, carefully, i’ll tilt my heavy head and watch nervously as the black drips slowly, delicately out of my mind. and then it’ll be clear, the thick black pooling deep around my ankles but escapable by one easy step. i’ll wait a minute, make sure there’s none left inside, then i’ll swim out, leaving the black behind.
my mind will be cleansed, fresh and young and clean again. i’ll look down at my frail hands and thank my bones for all the wonderful things they have done, they will do. i’ll press my fleshy belly softly, marvelling at the comforting squish of cells that protect my insides, protect me from death. i’ll smile wide, my white teeth joyfully reflecting the radiating sunshine, my eyes closed and calm, my hair long and flowing, not broken and balding.
the world will be a new place. i will be free, unburdened now by the black that made me fear my surrounds and loath myself. i will explore, run and travel and experience. the flamboyant verbs of a dictionary’s pages i’d always cowered from will lead me to new and better things, to wonderful people and daunting places and beautiful, decadent foods. the cures to over-stayed self-deprivation.
and it’ll be scary. and i’ll love it.